Flaw

A recent interaction made me think about why I got the nick-name angry T, again. I touched on this in my first blog back in the summer, but I think I was trying to go for a more broad explanation of the "Angry Arab" thing back then.

My best friend started calling me that jokingly when we were in high school, usually because I'd just get frustrated about certain things. Sports, school, girls, friends, whatever it was, I was capable of displaying a real temper. As I look back on it, and look at the reasons I get that way today, I think I'm starting to realize that the anger stems from a basic inability to handle things. When I'm presented with a stressful situation, at a certain point I lose any capability to act soberly, I fall apart. And I cover up those emotional breakdowns with a horrible brand of humor that just ends up hurting people. This is why a lot of people find me unapproachable. 

There's been so many times that friends have told me "When I first met you I thought you were an ASSHOLE, but after a while I learned you were pretty cool." And every time I hear that I'm reminded of this crippling flaw that seems to be a lot more apparent than I realize. So for a couple of days I make a conscious effort to be better, more light-hearted, smile more, talk to people more. But after a little while the usual hostile demeanor comes back and I return to being the same Angry Tarek that I've always been. Those times that someone actually smacks me in the face and lets me know I'm being a fuck-house don't happen too often, but what I'm really afraid of is that most people/my friends are too nice to tell me most of the time. 

At least for now, this is part of who I am. Just know that I don't want it to be, and I wish it wasn't. It hurts me that I'm like this. It's something that I've been struggling with for a long time. I write under this moniker, create music under it, I want people to know me by it, so it may seem like I embrace it. If I do, it's only because it's my biggest fear and biggest regret. I want anyone who's reading my blog to know this about me. I'm not scared of exposing my insecurities and, in complete contrast with what I've been talking about, I'm proud of that.

-Angry Tarek